Courage FTW

There's something about me...
I'm so ashamed of it that I feel a deep pain when I think about it. It has caused me more pain than everything else that was ever negative in my life. Every time I think about it, I want to kill myself. I'm not joking. Somehow, I manage to 'forget' it for long periods of time... if I didn't do that, I'd be dead.

At least I have guts and I'm being true to myself. This is why some people dislike me.

My parents don't hate me, but they don't accept this part of me. They have forbidden me from telling the extended family, out of shame. I've had IRL friends who got freaked out and left me. My current IRL friends don't like it, but we try to never talk about it... and I'm always pretending it's okay.

The unknown is scary to people. Some people hate me out of fear. I look perfectly normal out the outside, but inside... it's scary.

I don't think I'm able to explain. I'll try. I'm a guy. I'm biologically a girl. I want to tear this fucking body to shreds. No, I don't self harm. I've only attempted suicide once. I'm not depressed. I've felt this way since I was very young, but I never fully understood what was wrong until I was older.

I thought about not posting this, but hey... it's done now and you've read it and probably hate me. That's cool. It just means you're afraid of me.

I might joke and say I'm awesome a lot, but I actually hate myself. It's a vicious cycle... I will feel an urge to cry, I will deny said urge because I think it's weakness, and I'll feel a terrible anger that will ruin everything.

What's strange is I accidentally typed 'urge to kill' at first

Full bitching and ranting here [link]

I think I have the right to say I've got fucking guts. And I mean guts as in courage.

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